I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
