It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
