so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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