My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she looked like the before picture.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
