He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
