She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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