my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
