I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
