I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
