my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
