wat bout pragnant strippers??
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
