when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We're not piercing ourselves today.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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