She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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