I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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