What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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