new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
