i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I party with great urgency now.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
