I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
