I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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