yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
