Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
