according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
