Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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