I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm passing your future prison.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
