Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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