I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
it was like eating out sand paper
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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