Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
