His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
