I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
