remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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