I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
