a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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