A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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