I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
