oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
