I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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