Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
