What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize