sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
