Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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