Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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