i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
