i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
