nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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