I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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