Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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