Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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