It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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