After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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