I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
