did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
its liver damage thursday
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
