No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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