Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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