Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
