you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
