I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
